


I Could've Made You Mine

by Fernon



Series: Best Friend [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, don't bottle your emotions people, it will get better in the next part, this is sad and i know it is, this was projecting my sad feelings honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 06:58:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19388887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fernon/pseuds/Fernon
Summary: Hongjoong is hopelessly in love with his hopeless romantic best friend, Yunho.Too bad Yunho falls in love with Mingi.





	I Could've Made You Mine

**Author's Note:**

> I sort of projected a lot of my sadness lately into Hongjoong, and I'm big sorry. Definitely don't listen to I Need Somebody by Day6 while you read. Really, don't do it. It's a bad decision.
> 
> THERE WILL BE A PART TWO.

Yunho is naive, especially when it comes to love. He’s soft, and silly, and gentle, and he falls for everything. Which is unfortunate for Hongjoong, because this means picking up the pieces every time Yunho’s left broken hearted. As his dedicated best friend of 15 years now, Hongjoong has been through it all with Yunho- every time he’s fallen in love, and every time he’s been left behind with a broken heart and a tear soaked face. 

It’s also unfortunate for Hongjoong, because Hongjoong is hopelessly in love with Yunho. He has been for a while; he’s not exactly sure when he realized his feelings for Yunho, but it basically made Hongjoong the biggest mess. Seonghwa had scoffed and said ‘I knew that, Hongjoong,’ when Hongjoong had fessed up to having feelings for the other.

After his realization, Hongjoong was so  _ awkward _ for  _ months _ around Yunho. Like, stumbling over flat ground, being unable to formulate  _ actual sentences _ , and making a giant fool of himself around Yunho. Seonghwa had chosen that moment to dub him a ‘disaster gay,’ which was pretty true to Hongjoong. Hongjoong was bad at the whole ‘crush’ thing- he always had been, ever since he could remember. He’s just awkward and brusk- almost a bit bristly at first- but also something close to a tiny bumbling idiot.

And it was the same way with Yunho- sort of cold shouldered towards him, unable to speak, horribly uncontrollable motor skills (he knocked just about anything in his general vicinity over, without fail), but still willing to drop everything to help Yunho, even if it made Hongjoong ridiculously awkward. He continued to be ‘weird’ around Yunho (as a most oblivious Wooyoung had called it) until he just decided to let it be, and push his feelings into the giant bottle in his chest, where he put every feeling he didn’t want to deal with anymore. 

After all, before Hongjoong’s dumb crush, Yunho was  _ still  _ his best friend.

It was this decision that left him numb inside, after Yunho’s sixth boyfriend in the last two years. The first two, Hongjoong had gone to Seonghwa crying, which he  _ never _ did- Hongjoong is the type to pretend nothing is wrong, for the sake of being someone stable for others. Hongjoong is fiercely protective, and puts everyone else before himself. But for once (twice), he let himself cry to Seonghwa, over a ridiculous crush. 

“He’ll never see me, Seonghwa! Not like that. Why did I have to be so dumb? Why did I have to go and  _ like _ him?” Hongjoong had cried. 

“Because, Hongjoong. You protect everyone but yourself. Not that Yunho is a bad choice in… romantic interests, but… he  _ is _ your best friend, and you know he’s something of a serial romantic. He falls in love easily.”

Hongjoong’s ability to bottle emotions is exactly what got him through boyfriend three, some sweet guy named Youngjo, and boyfriend four, who lasted a whole three weeks, and Hongjoong doesn’t remember the name of. Then boyfriend five, who lasted seven months, and left Yunho crying after he spotted him making out with some other guy, and left Hongjoong to deal with Yunho’s hurricane of emotions.

Now Yunho is on boyfriend six. It’s Yunho’s fourth date in two weeks with the same guy, who Yunho would come home squealing about. A guy named Mingi, who Hongjoong actually  _ knows _ , and definitely couldn’t hate if he tried. Hongjoong works with Mingi at the bookshop, and Hongjoong has his literature class with Mingi. They’re both in their graduate programs for their degrees, Mingi is going for some business degree, of some sort, and Hongjoong is studying law. But, from all the time he’d spent with Mingi, he knew that Mingi was a genuinely  _ good guy _ . He definitely couldn’t hate Mingi. But he certainly could resent Mingi. 

Not that he was actively admitting this, or actively feeling this. He felt the tiniest pang whenever Yunho would talk about his ‘tall, handsome, prince’ (insert Hongjoong gagging at that nickname), or whenever Mingi would talk about his date with Yunho. Mingi knew Hongjoong was both roommates and best friends with Yunho, after the first date, when Yunho had told him all about his and Hongjoong’s friendship.

From then on, Hongjoong had stuffed that jealous, angry, resentful feeling into the bottle of emotions in his chest- right along with the self-pity, the sadness, and the hopelessness. As well as his feelings for Yunho. Those were harder to contain, by far. The lid on that one liked to burst out at ridiculous times- like when Yunho laughed really hard about something, or the way that he smiled. Sometimes it bubbled over when he came home from the bookstore and found Yunho snoring quietly on their couch. Sometimes it did it when Yunho sang softly to himself when he cleaned things or did homework. It was at the most ridiculous moments, that his heart liked to remind him of how much he liked Yunho. 

Hongjoong ignores the looks from Seonghwa when they all meet up for their weekly dinners, while Yunho talks about his dates. Hongjoong just shakes his head the tiniest bit, but he knows that Seonghwa is going to have it in for him later. Yeosang prompts Yunho and asks more questions about Mingi- when will the friend group be meeting him, does he have any cute, single, and (preferably) rich friends. Yunho laughs. 

Yeosang is a bit of a flirt, despite his normally quiet, cut off appearance. Which was much to Seonghwa’s dismay, because he’d been having some weird fling with Yeosang for as long as Hongjoong could remember, and Seonghwa is definitely in love with Yeosang- without question. But Yeosang is still younger than Seonghwa, and not quite ready to be tied down.

Wooyoung begins inquiring about Yunho’s new ‘boyfriend’- the label on that, he shuts down, because they haven’t ‘ _ made it official, meaning Mingi hadn’t asked him to be his boyfriend, _ ’ as Yunho put it. Hongjoong can’t help but roll his eyes, which Seonghwa doesn’t miss for a second, and he gives Hongjoong a death glare.

Once dinner is done, Hongjoong and Yunho send Wooyoung and Yeosang to do the dishes, with much protesting on the latter’s parts. 

“We made dinner, we invited you over to our house, which we cleaned for just such occasion-” Hongjoong begins. 

“You didn’t clean  _ shit! _ ” Wooyoung laughs.

“Fine, but we did all the work to get dinner together, you guys can do dishes.” Yunho states. 

“What about Seonghwa? He didn’t help, and he doesn’t have to do the dishes.” Yeosang says. 

“You don’t need more than two people to do the dishes.” Hongjoong states. 

“Besides, I have things to discuss with Hongjoong.” Seonghwa chimes in. And then he grabs Hongjoong’s hand and pulls him away from the group, to Hongjoong’s room, and shuts the door. “You sure you’re okay with the whole Yunho-Mingi thing?” Seonghwa’s voice is hushed. 

“Yes, Seonghwa. It’s fine. I mean. I know it’s not, deep down, or at least it’s not fine for me, or whatever. But, Mingi is a good guy. And Yunho likes him. He won’t shut up about him, in fact. But that’s besides the point. They’re fine, they’re happy, I’m fine. I’m happy.” Hongjoong says. 

Seonghwa gives him a look. “I doubt that. You’ve been head over heels for Yunho for three years now, Hongjoong. At least that’s how long it’s been since you admitted you freaking liked him. You’re not okay with this, I know you.”

“And so what if I’m not? My being not-okay with Yunho’s relationship status isn’t going to change anything, so I’m leaving it be! I can’t ruin things for him like that. It’s not fair to him.”

“And it’s not fair for you to have to bottle everything up, and suffer.”

“I’m not suffering, Seonghwa. And you know I’d come to you if I needed anything. Okay? That’s going to have to be good enough. Bottling things up is the only way to keep some sense of normalcy.”

Seonghwa sighs, knowing he’s fighting a losing battle. They’ve had this discussion before, several times. And Hongjoong always insisted things were fine.

“Hongjoong!” Yunho calls as he approaches the door. Hongjoong turns away from Seonghwa and opens the door just as Yunho goes to knock on it. 

“Yes, Yunho?” Hongjoong says softly, a smile on his face. 

“Can you come lay with me on the couch? Yeosang and Wooyoung finished the dishes, and we’re going to watch a movie!” Yunho says, eyes bright with excitement, and a soft smile on his face. Hongjoong’s heart skips a beat and then it aches with longing. Hongjoong doesn’t think he’d ever be able to say no to that face. 

“Of course. Come on, Seonghwa.” Hongjoong heads to the living room, trailing behind Yunho, who sits down and waits for Hongjoong to lay on one of their two ratty old couches, the other of which is occupied with Yeosang and Wooyoung. Hongjoong half sits, half lays across the couch, letting Yunho crawl up in the tiny crevice next to him on the couch, and wrap his arms around Hongjoong, his head resting on Hongjoong’s chest and torso. 

It’s normal. It’s just normal. 

Hongjoong finds himself on edge three weeks later, when Yunho announces that he’s inviting Mingi to their friend dinner, and that Wooyoung said he had someone he wanted to bring along as well.

Based on Seonghwa’s keyboard smash messages from that morning, he and Yeosang were on again. Meaning Hongjoong is going to be seventh (? how is that possible?) wheeling, with three whole couples (or two whole couples and one that was questionable). Hongjoong kicks himself for even allowing someone  _ outside  _ the friend group to be permitted. Not to mention the cost, and the amount of food he’d have to cook… After all, Hongjoong  _ is _ still technically a struggling (RE: should have a better job than a clerk at a bookstore) college (grad school) student.

Issues put aside, Hongjoong makes dinner anyways, while Yunho is out to pick Mingi up. Hongjoong listens to sad music while he cooks, and sings at the top of his lungs in the kitchen, alone. Is this how he was destined to be? Alone?

It felt that way sometimes. Hongjoong shuts the playlist off when he hears the keys in the door, and Yunho steps in with Mingi, giggling and smiling, and telling him to ‘mind the mess’ (as though he hadn’t stayed up half the night to make the place spotless), and looks up at Hongjoong with a grin. 

“Joongie! Mingi has arrived!” Yunho cheers. Hongjoong’s chest hurts at the ear splitting grin on Yunho’s face and the blush on his cheeks. He doesn’t miss the arm that Mingi has protectively around Yunho’s lower back, a hand on his hip, and Hongjoong’s body is telling him to flee to his room. Instead, he pushes a smile onto his face, and pushes that hurt into the bottle. 

“Mingi! Hello! Welcome to our home. Please, make yourself comfortable.” Hongjoong says softly. Mingi smiles. 

“Thank you, Hongjoong. Your apartment is cute. Very homey- feeling.” Mingi says. 

“Why, thank you. I’m going to go change…” Hongjoong says, feeling a bit sheepish that he’s still wearing sweatpants, and his shirt has little splatters of sauce from cooking dinner. He hurries to his room and shuts the door, tossing his clothes aside and grabbing some clean ones, slipping them on, and stepping back out. He finds Yunho and Mingi on the couch, talking softly to one another, Yunho’s cheeks flushed, and Mingi nodding. 

“Canoodling, is more like it,” Hongjoong mutters to himself. No one hears though, the others too lost in their thoughts to really bother. He sets the table, by himself, and wipes the counters down, by himself. 

Someone knocks on the door, and Hongjoong can hear it’s Seonghwa, his voice carrying through the door as he and Yeosang bicker. Hongjoong throws the door open. “Oh, do come in.” Hongjoong says. “Why do you even knock anymore, dearest Seonghwa?” Hongjoong sighs dramatically. It’s a game they play, normally, but Seonghwa sighs the tiniest sigh and gives Hongjoong a look.

“I’m just being polite, Joong.” Seonghwa says, nudging off his shoes and making a beeline for the couch, dragging Yeosang along behind him. Upon being seated, he pulls Yeosang into his lap, making Yeosang’s cheeks turn a rosy pink color, and his eyes widen. Hongjoong pouts. Seonghwa wouldn’t even  _ play along _ with him. He’s too busy being all encompassed by freaking Yeosang, like they haven’t been through the game of theirs a hundred times before. 

Hongjoong is just about to close the door when Wooyoung’s voice carries down the hallway, and Hongjoong peeks out to see him and a younger-looking man with brown hair and soft cheeks walking down the hallway. 

“Hongjoong! Hi! This is Jongho!” He exclaims. Jongho, the other man, smiles and bows politely, and he’s still taller than Hongjoong (which makes Hongjoong pout, of course he’s still the shortest one here) and he has broad shoulders under his jean jacket.

“Hello, Jongho. It’s nice to meet you.” Hongjoong smiles, and Jongho smiles back. 

“You too, Hongjoong.” Jongho says politely. 

“Come in, dinner is ready, the table is ready, the table might be a tad bit small, but we’ll manage.” Hongjoong says with a smile, opening the door wider and holding it for the pair. They both toe their shoes off, and set them neatly by the door, and Hongjoong shuts the door behind them. Hongjoong sets the food out on the table, and calls everyone in.

Wooyoung and Jongho are first to the table, and Jongho picks the spot to the left of Hongjoong, the spot where Yunho normally sits. Hongjoong sits at the head of the table, in his usual spot. Seonghwa takes his spot on the right of Hongjoong, and Mingi and Yunho are the last to the table, Yunho stuck to Mingi’s side like a magnet to a fridge. They squeeze down at the other end of the table, directly across from Hongjoong, instead of just having the sides of the table be three people long. Hongjoong hopes he isn’t glowering, as he scoops noodles into his bowl, as well as the vegetable broth.

Wooyoung introduces Jongho to everyone, and he’s greeted warmly by everyone, and Yeosang says nothing about his ‘single, cute, rich friends,’ like he had asked Wooyoung about the other night. Hongjoong adds pork to his bowl, and then a heaping pile of steamed vegetables. Jongho looks at his bowl, and then around at everyone else, seeming to be nervous to be the first one to eat, so Hongjoong digs in, as the three couples chatter around him. 

Hongjoong listens to Yeosang’s new questions, about his job. Jongho explains he’s in his junior year of college, and he’s studying English, in hopes of becoming a teacher. Hongjoong asks about his grades, and what his favorite class is.

“I really enjoy literature. I actually like works by Jane Austen.” A blush appears on Jongho’s cheeks. “As… western and feminine as her works are.”

“I think I had to read something by her in my high school literature class.  _ Pride and Prejudice _ ? I think? It wasn’t a terrible read, just not my taste. I enjoyed the stuff by Robert Louis Stevenson, like  _ Treasure Island  _ and  _ Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. _ ” Seonghwa chimes in. 

“Ah, those are both good reads, I agree.” Jongho smiles and the two of them begin a ramble about literature and their favorite authors. Hongjoong sighs, promptly getting left behind from that conversation. He glances around the table, in hopes that there is a conversation to be joined, only to see that Yeosang is sucked into the literature conversation as well, and Wooyoung is chatting with the lovebirds, and Hongjoong listens in for a few moments to hear Wooyoung asking Yunho some… rather  _ inappropriate _ questions for the dinner table, and setting Yunho’s face into a blush. 

Hongjoong watches as Mingi’s eyes widen at the questions Wooyoung is asking, and effectively chokes on a noodle when Wooyoung teases Yunho for being so shy. Hongjoong shovels another hunk of noodles into his mouth, and follows it with a few steamed vegetables. Chatter continues around him, Yunho’s laughter drifts to Hongjoong’s ears, so he spares a glance up to see Yunho holding some steamed vegetables up to Mingi’s mouth, giggling as Mingi tries to sheepishly decline the offer, since everyone is watching and laughing and teasing them. 

Hongjoong positively  _ glowers _ at Mingi, until Seonghwa kicks him under the table and gives him a  _ look. _ The same  _ look _ as always, asking if he’s okay, telling him to take it down a notch, telling him to quit giving Yunho lovey eyes, telling him that  _ jealousy isn’t a good color on him. _

Hongjoong looks away and focuses on schooling his expression back into one of neutrality, and perhaps something close to happiness. He jumps when Seonghwa is kicking him again, and he hears Mingi is asking him a question, or perhaps saying something to him, either way, he just catches the end of his name.

He blinks. “I’m sorry, what was that?” Hongjoong can feel everyone’s eyes on him. 

“I said your cooking was lovely, Hongjoong. You’re a good chef.” Mingi smiles, and it’s genuine, and Hongjoong ducks his head.

“Oh, it’s nothing really.” Hongjoong says in response, unable to meet neither Mingi nor Yunho’s eyes. 

“Don’t be modest, Hongjoong! You’re the best cook of all of us! And you did it all by yourself.” Yunho smiles, and though Hongjoong doesn’t see it, he can hear it in his voice.

_ By yourself. Of course. Always on your own. _

Hongjoong shovels another load of vegetables and pork into his mouth, instead of responding to Yunho. Conversation moves on from him, and everyone finishes dinner, Seonghwa finalizing the end of dishes by announcing that ‘someone’s got to do dishes,’ before shouting ‘not it!’ and touching a finger to his nose. 

Before Hongjoong can really realize what’s going on, everyone else had shouted ‘not it’ and touched their noses, but himself. They all giggled madly and pointed at Hongjoong, who just rolls his eyes and starts pulling out containers for leftovers. 

“I’ll help you, Hongjoong,” Jongho says, standing to join Hongjoong. “It’s the least I can do, you cooked for us all.”

“You’re so sweet, thank you so much, Jongho.” Hongjoong smiles a genuine smile, and the two of them get started on packing away leftovers, and setting a dish aside for Mingi, who had politely asked to take a portion home. Yunho had said ‘of course!’ and told Hongjoong to leave some out for Mingi to take home. 

Hongjoong let Jongho wash, so he didn’t have to try and figure out what to put where. The other maniacs flocked to the living room, and Hongjoong could hear them bickering over what movie to watch. Jongho and Hongjoong work along through the dishes, with pleasant conversation, until Jongho pauses in everything. 

“Hongjoong… it might not be my business, so I apologize if I offend you for asking this, but… You like Yunho, don’t you?”

Hongjoong nearly drops the dish he’s drying, and blinks. “I- what-”

“Well, I just noticed how you were looking at him earlier, and the looks you kept giving Mingi.” Jongho says softly. “I haven’t offended you, have I? I should have kept my mouth shut, I’m so sorry-”

“No, it’s alright. I- you’re right, I… I really like him, Jongho. I- I have for… a long time now.” Hongjoong sighs and puts the bowl in the cupboard with the others. 

“Why haven’t you asked him out, then?” Jongho asks. 

“I just- I haven’t had the right timing, Or the courage, really. Not to mention, he’s my best friend… I don’t want to ruin everything, for some ridiculous feelings I have.”

“I don’t think that’s healthy. Putting your feelings aside like that. Maybe- maybe when you know if Yunho and Mingi are more serious- maybe you should try moving on.” Jongho says softly. “Having love for someone can be tough, and it can hurt. Especially when they don’t return those feelings of love. But I think Yunho is happy with Mingi, and I don’t think Mingi is going anywhere, at least not for a while. And I don’t think you should have to suffer. I think you should try to see some other people, and maybe move on.”

Hongjoong is staring at his feet. “I- maybe you’re right. It just… I don’t know how to stop these feelings. It’s not like I haven’t been on dates since I realized my feelings, I just- nothing felt right. And I wasn’t actively seeking anything, if I’m being honest.”

“You should try it. But don’t feel pressured,and don’t rush things. Do it in your own time.” Jongho pats his shoulder gently. “Let’s go watch the movie, yeah?”

The two of them go to the living room, where Seonghwa has Yeosang in his lap on one end of their sofa, and Mingi is sitting on the other end, in Hongjoong’s place, with Yunho wedged between his side and the couch, his arms around Mingi, and his head on Mingi’s chest. Wooyoung pats the spot on the loveseat beside him, for Jongho to sit, leaving Hongjoong to sit in the armchair, all alone.

He can’t help but let his eyes wander to Yunho and Mingi, where Mingi is running his fingers through Yunho’s hair, per his wishes. It’s something Hongjoong knows Yunho loves. Mingi fits so comfortably into the spot on the couch where Hongjoong normally sits, and Hongjoong can’t help but notice the way they’re tangled together like vines, all long limbs and perfect fits. 

Hongjoong feels like an outsider looking in, and as much as he tries to focus on the movie, he can’t. He spares a glance at the other guys in the room, and his eyes fall back on Mingi and Yunho. Mingi is leaning down and whispering into Yunho’s hair, and he knows that Yunho can hear him, because his face is growing soft and happy, and slightly pink, before he looks up at Mingi with those damn sparkly puppy eyes. Mingi leans in and presses kisses to his cheeks, and Hongjoong can’t bear to watch anymore. 

He slips from his cold, lonely corner of the living room and slips out to his room, shutting the door softly before throwing himself onto his bed. For the first time in a long time, he lets himself cry, and he doesn’t stop until late into the night, long after everyone’s gone home, and he’s ignored texts from Seonghwa. 

The problem with crying is, once he starts, he can’t seem to stop. It’s like, letting out something tiny from the bottle of problems and emotionally dealing with it spirals into a dark, sad time. Like he just lifted the cork out of the bottle and the bottle falls out of his other hand and shatters, leaving a wreckage of emotional havoc in it’s shards. 

He cries about everything- his stress, his student debt, the fact that he hasn’t spoken to his family in years, his lack of a proper job. But mostly, he cries over Yunho.

  
  


Jongho was right; Mingi sticks around for almost a year. There does come a time, finally, after a few months of being with Mingi, when Yunho doesn’t talk about Mingi so often, but Yunho is home less and less often. But then, suddenly Yunho is around again, clinging to Hongjoong like he did before Mingi, and pouting whenever Hongjoong says he can’t cuddle. After almost a year of the two dating, suddenly, Hongjoong doesn’t hear a peep about Mingi, and he doesn’t see Mingi, and Yunho doesn’t really leave the house for almost two months.

Hongjoong begins to suspect something is up, and hope fills his chest. Maybe Mingi is gone, maybe they broke up. He hadn’t seen Mingi around the bookstore, not that their schedules always lined up, but. It was odd that he hadn’t seen him at all. And Yunho had stopped bringing him around so often, or inviting him to hang out with ‘the gang,’ which was Yunho and Mingi and all their other couple friends.

Hongjoong inquires with his manager after a few suspiciously Mingi-less weeks, and he explains that Mingi quit, to go on some internship for the summer. An internship in  _ Japan. _ Maybe Hongjoong isn’t just dreaming it all up, maybe they  _ had _ broken up. Maybe he would finally have a chance with Yunho again, maybe he wouldn’t be so alone.

But just as abruptly as Mingi had seemed to disappear, he was back, and Hongjoong found this out the hard way. Rather... literally. Hongjoong, exhausted from his two jobs, staggers through the door at who-knows-how-late-o’clock, dropping his stuff on the kitchen counter. He doesn’t notice the suitcase stashed neatly away behind the door, or the strange pair of shoes kicked haphazardly through their pile of shoes- which Hongjoong later makes a mental note to pick up and stash neatly on their proper shelves in the coat closet.

Hongjoong hears sounds in the living room, and notices there’s not much light coming from the living room. It’s not odd for Yunho to fall asleep watching TV and waiting for him when he gets off late at night. So he approaches the doorway to the living room, planning to wake Yunho up so he didn’t have to listen to the younger complain about how much his back hurt in the morning- and there he sees the clothes strewn about, in something like a trail. He pauses in the doorway and follows it with his eyes, and it leads to the couch, which is occupied by- 

A strangled sound makes its way involuntarily out of Hongjoong’s throat, at the sight before him. He found Yunho on the couch alright, but there was a very solid, very  _ naked _ Mingi underneath him, small bruises littering his neck and collarbones, and sweat plastered to his forehead. Which doesn’t quite make sense, seeing as Yunho is doing all the work, and Mingi’s hands are just resting lazily on Yunho’s hips-

Mingi must notice him, because his eyes seem to focus in on him, and then they’re widening, and panic is registering on his face. Yunho pauses in his movement, turning to see what Mingi is looking at.

Hongjoong shakes his head and hurries from the room, making a beeline for his bedroom, shutting the door behind him a bit harder than necessary. He sinks down to the ground, his hands in his hair, his back against the door, and he can hear Yunho and Mingi chattering hushedly about ‘whether or not they should apologize’, but Hongjoong finds that he doesn’t care whether or not he gets an apology. 

He just wishes that he hadn’t been wrong about Mingi being gone from their lives. He wishes he had seen the signs earlier- Yunho was suspiciously not-sad about their breakup, and normally a guy not calling him back after three dates just stresses him out, so Hongjoong supposes he should have seen this coming. He still smiled stupidly at his phone all the time, and would disappear for long phone calls at odd hours.

Fuck, Hongjoong truly wishes he wasn’t so  _ stupid. _

Something inside Hongjoong gives, and he’s not sure what possesses him to grab his phone and text Jongho the following words.

_ Remember that conversation we had a long time ago? I need help finding a date. _

Jongho helps Hongjoong set up a dating profile on some website, and it’s not totally successful. He doesn’t get many matches, and those who do, don’t turn out great, most of the time. Hongjoong goes on all of six dates in three months, and they’re all absolute disasters. 

The first of them was  _ not _ who he said he was on the dating website, and it wasn’t that Hongjoong was terribly offended with the fact that his face wasn’t- well, his face- it was the fact that he was  _ incessantly rude _ . Not to mention his horrible attitude and the way he treated the waiters, and the fact that he was very blunt about the fact that that he disapproved of everything Hongjoong is, was, or liked. It had started with his hair- which was unusual, Hongjoong would admit, most everyday people would highly disagree with anyone having bright red hair, but nobody needed to _say as much_. Besides, Hongjoong liked his hair the way that it was, he thought it was cool, and his friends seemed to like it enough. It made Hongjoong stand out. This guy then decided to start talking about how Hongjoong ‘was short enough to be a child’ (which he was  _ not, _ Hongjoong was seething after that comment). Hongjoong had just about thrown his drink on the man at that comment, but instead, slapped a 20 on the table and walked out.

Date number three was horrifically boring, and Hongjoong had not a thing in common with him. Whatever Hongjoong liked, the guy couldn’t stand, and he was rather opinionated about the fact that he didn’t like whatever Hongjoong liked. He, too, had some opinions about Hongjoong’s height, but then he said some comment about Hongjoong's cheeks having the barest minimum of fat on them. And then he slid down a slippery slope of dieting plans.

The guy had just finished telling Hongjoong _not to eat the rest of his dinner,_ as if he could dictate what Hongjoong did. This time, Hongjoong does dump his drink on the man. 

Date number four had been too drunk for anything and never texted Hongjoong back.

Date number five, a wild disaster. Things weren’t horrible, until the guy tried to kiss Hongjoong and slobbered  _ all over _ Hongjoong’s face, and then had groped Hongjoong’s ass, like it was  _ okay. _ Hongjoong promptly ended any and all contact with him. 

Date number six had just happened, and it was some club that Hongjoong didn’t really want to go to, with a guy who was undeniably  _ hot _ , but an honest to god  _ douche. _ Hongjoong was so caught up in his charm, and the drinks, that it wasn’t until the guy left to get more drinks that Hongjoong replayed everything he had said. Nothing he had said was actually  _ good.  _ It was backhanded compliments, and he didn’t miss the fact that the guy was texting someone on his phone.

Speaking of the phone, it lights up with a message. The guy had left it unlocked, much to Hongjoong’s fortune, so he sneakily slides it towards him and scrolls through the messages. There’s a photo of himself, one taken when he wasn’t looking, and the guy and the other person in the conversation are absolutely berating him. Unease and utter defeat fill his body, and Hongjoong wants to cry.

Instead,Hongjoong hardly blinks at what he reads, and bottles all the feelings inside. He sets the phone down, and locks it, before he then decides that maybe he should leave. So, he slips out the doors before the man comes back, and sits on the curb, calling Jongho. 

But unfortunately for Hongjoong, Jongho didn’t answer. 

So Hongjoong tries Seonghwa. Who also doesn’t answer. And then Wooyoung, and then Yeosang. No one answers. 

Which means, Hongjoong has to call Yunho. 

“Hongjoong? What’s up?” Yunho’s voice comes through the phone. Hongjoong’s heart thumps at the sound of Yunho’s voice. With a sigh, Hongjoong brings himself to explain.

“I- I’m on a date. I need a ride home. This guy is an asshole. Please come get me. Please, don’t ask anymore questions, I just need to get home.” Hongjoong can hear Mingi in the background, and Hongjoong sighs. “I- Mingi is over, never mind, I’m sorry for disturbing you two, I’ll just find a cab or walk, or something-”

“No no no, we weren’t doing anything, we’re just watching a movie. I can come pick you up.” Yunho says, trying to be reassuring.

“No, I’ll be okay. Really, it’s just a couple blocks, and- oh, Jongho is calling me, bye Yunho!” Hongjoong hangs up, and quickly answers Jongho’s call. 

Jongho is there in ten minutes, and Hongjoong is silent for the ride home. 

“I don’t think this whole ‘online dating’ thing is going to work.” Hongjoong says softly when Jongho pulls up to the curb. 

“I have a coworker, his name is San, maybe I can set you up on a blind date?” Jongho offers hopefully. 

“Maybe… I- I just think I’m going to take a little break from the whole ‘seeking love’ thing. Well, I at least don’t want to think about it tonight.” Hongjoong says. “Thank you for getting me. I’ll text you tomorrow.”

“Of course. Just remember, you take your time, okay? I can tell you’re still not over Yunho.”

“Will I ever be?” Hongjoong sighs. “I’ll see you later.” Hongjoong waves and heads up to his and Yunho’s apartment, to find Yunho and Mingi lounging on the couch in sweatpants. Yunho jumps off the couch at the sound of the door, and hurries over.

“Hongjoong? Are you alright? You worried me, just hanging up like that,” Yunho says softly. “I tried calling you again but the line was busy. And then it went to voicemail.”

“Yeah, Jongho called, like I said. And my phone died shortly after that. I’m sorry for worrying you.” Hongjoong says, turning to go to his room; which had lately become his favorite place of solitude. 

“Hongjoong, I wanted to talk to you, before you shut yourself in again.” 

Hongjoong winces at that, but pauses in his retreat. “Yes, Yunho?”

“I uh. I was thinking. Mingi and I have been together for a while now, and it’s hard now that he’s back and forth out of Japan… We were thinking maybe I’d move in with him. To hold the fort down at home, and so we can see more of each other when he's home... I mean, as long as that’s okay with you, and stuff!” Yunho scrambles to cover his tracks.

“Oh. Well… Yeah. That’s fine. You don’t need my permission.” Hongjoong can’t even bring himself to fake a smile.

“Great! I’ll try and stay until his next trip, to give you more time to find another roommate.” Yunho says brightly. Hongjoong just nods and shuffles to his room, closing the door, and just collapsing onto his bed. 

The bottle feels like it’s going to shatter again, but this time without Hongjoong letting the lid open the tiniest bit, it just feels too full now. 

Three weeks later, Hongjoong let’s Jongho set him up with this San guy who’s honestly the sweetest person Hongjoong has ever met. He’s funny and energetic, and charming, and Hongjoong doesn’t hate him. They go on three dates, but ultimately, San can sense that Hongjoong’s heart is elsewhere. Hongjoong spills to him, about everything, the whole four years he’s spent mooning over Yunho, and then how Mingi came along, and the move threatening to happen in just two weeks.

San apologizes deeply for all of Yunho’s struggles, and admits that he’s out to get over his ex-fiancee. “It’s a process, getting over someone you thought, or even still think, that you’re in love with. It’s been almost a year since I split from my fiancee, but… It still hurts, sometimes, and I miss them, sometimes. You’ll find healing. And if you need anything, at all, you’ve got my number. I’d gladly stay friends with you.”

Hongjoong comes home that night to an empty apartment. The last traces of Yunho are gone, and there’s a note on the fridge that reads, ‘ _ Joong! I’m almost out of your hair! I just have a few more boxes to pick up from my room, they’ll be gone before Mingi leaves. I probably won’t be back to the apartment before then. -Yunho’ _

No hearts, no ‘love’, no ‘hello Joongie’. 

Sometimes, it felt like they weren’t even friends anymore, ever since Mingi had come around. Hongjoong finds himself staring at the ceiling in the living room, laying on the floor, letting the silence ring in his ears. Loneliness is around him, and he can feel it in his bones. He wanders to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and glares at his reflection. 

“You’re pathetic, dude.” Hongjoong whispers to himself, shaking his head. He brushes his teeth in a hurry and refuses to look at his own reflection for the rest of his time in the bathroom. He wanders down the hall, and sees that Yunho’s door is open. His bed is stripped of all sheets and blankets, and four boxes sit in the corner. One is labeled “old junk”, one is labeled “donations,” and the other is labeled “sheets and blankets”. But the last one is labeled with a bunch of question marks, and Hongjoong slips over, peeking in. Inside are little trinkets, and some framed family photos , and a desk lamp.

Below it all is the old photo board of himself and Yunho, one that Hongjoong had made him for a graduation gift, when they had been accepted to colleges on opposite ends of the country. Photos from their childhood, photos from their last years of high school, photos of the two of them on their little ‘road trip adventures’ during breaks. Photos from simpler times. 

Except one. One from their New Years party two years ago, when Hongjoong had gotten a little too drunk and kissed Yunho’s cheek while he tried to take a photo of them. A huge smile Hongjoong was actually  _ happy. _

The emotion bottle in his chest breaks, and Hongjoong just collapses on the floor in a sobbing mess of tears, realizing how much he’s had to fake for the last two years, let alone the past year, ever since Mingi came around. And none of it was Mingi’s fault, even if he had been the one to sweep Yunho off his feet, even if out of the choices between Hongjoong and Mingi, he was the one that had his life together, and was the one that Yunho fell hopelessly in love with. 

It wasn’t Mingi’s fault that Hongjoong didn’t know how to deal with feelings. 

Hongjoong absolutely wails.

He carries on for ages, pulling at his hair and curled into a tiny ball on the floor of Yunho’s old room, consumed by the ugly monster he had created in his chest, that was made up of everything he pushed down for ages. Guilt, resent, jealousy, regret, disappointment, self-hatred, self-pity, and just plain old sadness flowed down his cheeks, and ate him alive. He cries like he hasn’t cried in years, even after all those times that Yunho broke his heart.

He finally pulls himself together and goes to his room, grabbing his softest blanket, and shuffles back to Yunho’s room, and flops on the bare mattress, making a burrito out of the blanket around his body, and clinging to one of Yunho’s pillowcase-less pillows. Yunho’s scent meets his nose, and he feels some sort of comfort and an odd calming feeling washes over him. A feeling that feels like home, one that feels like friendship. 

Because above all, he and Yunho were best friends.

And perhaps he needed to put feelings aside and  _ truly _ accept that it’s all they’d ever be.

**Author's Note:**

> THERE WILL BE A PART TWO
> 
> IT WILL BE UP IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
> 
> follow me on twitter for shit posts @youknow_yunho


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